Good Bye !

Mass exodus is tough to cope up with. Long time back you echoed with my views, didn't you ? And this time it sadly has ended my childhood.

I have always lived life in a cricketing parlance.  The other day I was driving in the toughest of weather conditions.  First I drove past a tornado-esque patch of sad bad clouds that seemed life threatening on my way to Page, Arizona.  Followed by a wintry mix.  And then worst of all - a snow storm. Not that this was any surprise or new. But weird that it was in Arizona !  Imagine a bouncy Perth pitch suddenly behaving like a rank turner of the sub-continent. That kind of ridiculousness !

I thought... if Dravid or VVS were to drive past these, how would they approach it ? What would their strategy be ? Thinking so helped me come back safe. What a sigh of relief - similar to the one we felt whenever Dravid built his WALL between an imminent defeat and drawing a game... similar to the one we felt whenever VVS pulled off a victory from the jaws of defeat.

For nations and people who do not understand it, cricket may be a boring game. A game where someone absurdly runs in and pitches a ball while another brainless fella waits to hit it and run for his life while an other idiot goes after it like a hungry dog after a meaty bone. But for me, it defines life. It is life. That is what cricket has, is and will always continue to mean for me.  There are lessons of toughness. Of patience, of holding onto the nerve, of disappointments, of taking it one day at a time... of taking it one moment at a time. Of living and absorbing and enjoying the glory. Of mourning defeats and that opportunity to sit back and reflect.  I might not be accurate with statistics. I might not remember  the number of victories and defeats. But those lessons.... and applying them in various contexts of life... is what I will walk away with. Lessons from Ganguly's come back,  of Dravid's mental toughness, of VVS' poetry, and of Sachin's discipline and commitment will never be forgotten.

When Dada retired four years ago, I did not even realize I was crying staring at the monitor. It was a beginning of the end. And  I knew it... didn't I ? That sooner or later, Dravid, VVS and Sachin would follow suit.  But I preferred ignorance.

And as this year passed by, time consumed all my heroes, one after another. Oh ! It did to the biggest villain of my era too ! Ricky Ponting ! A goliath whom my heroes were pitted against.

I can't remember watching a single game of test cricket this year. Not even the ODI's or T20s. I lamely follow it on Cricinfo.

Today, Tony Greig's passing away was a penultimate nail in the coffin.  This mass exodus has severely dented my interest towards the game.  Game ? Isn't game supposed to be greater than the player ? Well, may be ! But it is the greatness of the player which makes us fall in love with the game. We go to the galleria to watch these great men, fight it out for a victory and escape defeat while teaching us some great lessons, enroute.

Heart breaking as my childhood comes to an end today. I am left stranded again, on the same island of loneliness. With my heroes having walked into sunset, I am not sure what I will do next ! May be I will be replaying all those performances time and again while reminiscing some old memories. Listening to Ilaiyaraja hits and watching movies of the old.


I will keep drawing inspiration from these great men who have given us life time memories and some great lessons. Growing up watching these stalwarts has been a critical episode in my life.  Their retirements and not just mere retirements. It is also a reminder of me ageing. Gosh ! 29 come April ! And my first memories of watching Cricket ? Kapil vs Boon in 1992 WC.  FFWD 20 years and here I am ! On the verge of 'uncle-hood'. 30+ and I will be referred to as 'Uncle' when I walk down the streets in India. My appearance will hide this truth to a certain extent. But for how long !?!

Cricket for me has always been a way of life. More than a mere ball-meets-the-bat game.

Ages down the line, I will sit back and watch movies of your scintillating careers... of famous victories and heart breaking defeats and your stunning artistry...and drive down the memory lane. In your legend is hidden the gateway to my long lost childhood. Watching you again is to unlock the corridors of my mind.  Thank you for making my childhood a memorable one.

You were the only reason I ever fell in love with this game. And you are the only reason I will remember my childhood for.  It was worth it all ! To lose sleep, to shout at the pitch of my voice, to be depressed.... to bite my nails.... to feel let down... to feel on top of the world.... to jump and punch in the air.... following you guys was worth it all !

Thank you gentlemen !...

Hey Kohli... what's up dawg ? How goes it ? ;)

We both are like pani puri, pav bhaji, idli sambar, sugar n milk, bread n butter ..totally incomplete without each other.

It's been more than a week since I have slept.  That thought of losing you scares me to death. It  pricks and disturbs me very much.  Neither do I want to be awake.

Peep into me and you will know what fear is like. It is killing me from inside.  I am half dead. I need to remind myself to smile... to listen to songs... to eat... to go around.  This feels like an abyss.

But all this has made me realize your true value and worth. And the pain that I always searched for in your eyes, I saw it.  I love you ... I truly do and more than ever ! This life ain't worth a dime.... if you are not there to share it with.

They say miracles happen.  And I know our love will create one...

I was never more desperate. I never craved more for silence as much as last Sunday on my trip to Smoky Mountains. The more I craved for it... the more it eluded me. May be it was just one of those days. But I realized how much I have grown in silence and how much we have bonded together. 

It means a lot to me. In all probabilities, I will go back to the Appalachian Valley to witness the fall foliage. And yeah, this time... it will be all alone.

Underdog

There is something about an underdog story that is so intriguing. There is something which makes us sit up and watch it with all the more curiosity. To see what the end will be like.

We have come here to witness its struggle in finding it's bearings while pitted against all odds life has to offer.  When every body has walked out, we wait there at the end of corridor, praying out of desperation for "one last time".  We wait for it to rise like a proverbial phoenix, mustering all it's courage to stand up, to face it all over again.

We hope against hope...don't we ? We always should ! Realism reminds us about what a great challenge our life is. Optimism helps us ignore pain while marching us forward through all those challenges.

The beauty of underdogs is their undying self belief. Most often they win....sometimes they don't. But that does not stop us from falling in love with them. Their stories make them all the more endearing. It ain't always about winning and losing. It's about longing the distance.

Irrespective of a result, we can't help but salute 'The Fight'. Those who make it to the very end of any challenge life has to throw at them, have already won. A character of steel and a rock solid determination maketh a man.

If must go down you... then do so ONLY after giving it your everything. At least you won't die guilty. If must go down you anyhow, take it down with you !

And since fighters do not resign or surrender to their fate, success will follow them, sooner or later. It was left with no other choice to start with.

Three months from now, I will be on my first trip to home in just about five and a half years. Life has changed...I have changed. You have changed too ! Haven't you ?

But what will not have changed may be is people's perception that I am Americanized. May be, okay ? Just may be. The cliche question will sooner or later pop up: which place do you like most, son ? And what shall I choose ? Shall I choose the one which gave birth to me ? Or the one which gave me an identity ? Shall I choose the one which taught me morals, ethics and the value of human relationships and emotions ? Or shall I choose the one which is teaching me the practicalities of life...to weather storm after storms and some tricks in this struggle for survival.

A mere piece of paper cannot change the inner me. I am still the same. I am who I was. Only that I have started on the process to self realization. Living itself has been a blessing. And to live in two different cultures, a privilege. No matter where I am, or what I become tomorrow, the inner me will not change.

I may be on  voyage all my life...but my birth place is my true identity.

Even if she sends me a blank paper with nothing written on it... I will still be able to read all her feelings hidden deep inside her heart. Because when I close my eyes and look into her deep beautiful eyes... I can feel her love. I can read the pain behind her waiting which she hides under the veil of her beautiful smile...

All my childhood, and whenever you visited us, I felt helpless... for, I held your arm tightly, made a silent prayer to God to not let you go and slept with insecurity....only to wake up and learn from Amma that you were gone. I did not like it at all ! So while disappointment was fast brewing up, I delayed the impending turbulence and turmoil by searching for you all over for one last time before getting clouded. May be you were playing around.... may be you would pop out of no where and surprise me. I hoped. So I never believed when she said you were gone. I  looked for anything that could be a trace of you....


And when it dawned upon me that you left indeed, I felt cheated... because with all sincerity and utmost honesty, I prayed the night before. Didn't I ? So what happened to all those prayers then ? I wondered.

Whenever I woke up to not find you, I felt miserable. My voice choked.... tears welled up and it felt as if I gravitated towards earth from steep heights. How can I ever tell you ? How can I ever explain it to anyone  ? I won't even attempt to ! All that anger and frust never quite burst out. They simmered inside me for days together. After those fires within consumed me, I felt shallow like a piece of coal.

Everything in life was immaterial. Nothing mattered ! What did was your company.... to have fun with you.... to play silly pranks between us which Amma did not approve of. Our monkey gimmicks and all that.... your sense of humor and my endless laughter....we were a team. But on those mornings, I felt everything had come to a naught. It took days to let go all that insipidity.

Oh, that little pocket money, I saved it inside the almirah, checked it every now and then, smelled and kissed those new notes and put them back inside. I never even folded them because it was from you ! They were priceless. Sometimes I wondered if there was an option to pay God in exchange for you... forever !

Even the deepest of those hurtings never stop me from waiting for you....and dreaming of spending time with you. Unfortunately, those scars will forever be a part of me because they got etched in stone.

But that does not make you any less special or magical, dad !

Pledges & Promises

Friendships and relationships are not always hunky dory.  Like everything else in this nature, they are tested time and again. We are challenged every now and then.  It requires upgrading our maturity to a different level each time to keep the pace and grace alive.

There will be forest fires, there will be tornadoes, there will be drought and barren lands, there will be the unexpected turbulence, and sometimes we will be volcanic and sometimes we will display a different instinct... catching ourselves and our relationships all unawares of what hit us.

But after rain, there is sunshine and colorful rainbow. And then there will be gentle breeze kissing your brow...

We sometimes unintentionally hurt each other. But what disappoints me is that we cower and run away when faced with issues or problems... we ignore and avoid and can't take it. We simply don't have it !

Those who do not have the emotional capacities and capabilities to handle the rigours and challenges of a relationship, should not make pledge and promise of being together for a life time...

When our heart longs for spring, it should weather and withstand few storms of winter too, first.

Men's Ego & A Woman's Responsibility Towards It...

As a kid, I vividly remember running to my mom for every thing. From little bruises to big complaints about ill treatment. Everything which created a discomfort, pain and hurt my fragile heart. 

And my mother, like every other, was a place I found security and solace. Her hugs, kisses and her good night cuddles made me feel so secure, wanted and loved that I never had to worry about anything else.

And what adds beauty to any mother-son relationship is the grace with which she embraces him and protects him. Mothers... they know a thing or two about ego-  male ego. They stand behind, by and before their sons as a pillar of support, strength and shield... all in an effort to protect, care, nurture and safeguard that fragile thing called ego.

And when I say ego, I do not mean the chauvinistic one because is not what a mother cultivates. The chauvinistic one is born out of societal evils and devils which no mother approves or appreciates. I am speaking about an ego which builds a boy's thinking...which gives him assurance and a sense of belonging....which provides the impetus during his transformation from a boy to a man....which makes him realize, understand and feel his self worthiness by instilling confidence in him. 

Through out the life cycle of a guy....from the time of his birth till he perishes....he needs one woman to always take care of him without which, it is practically impossible for him to survive.

During childhood and until his marriage it is his mother and sisters.  After marriage, there is a transfer of responsibility to his wife. During the course of his adulthood she is THE trustee of that fragile ego. She is expected to be as careful as his mother in protecting him.... standing by him in his times of difficulty.....shielding him from any hurling....and be his pillar of strength and assurance.

A woman or wife who cannot do this risks jeopardizing her relationship. Because, nothing worse in a relationship than a wife who does not understand the importance of her guy's ego and how to take care of it.  I say this because, genetically men are coded to provide and women to takes care of the family. World might have changed....women might have equal rights and powers and all that, but the base of our existence is still the same. The true worth of a woman is not realized in her earning as much or more than her guy.  It is appreciated that few do, but that is not what maketh her. What maketh her is how she handles her father, husband and her sons. How she mothers all of them and how she protects them. Because without her, they are a no body ! Literally ! That is where her true power lies ! Not in leading an MNC or some other position of authority. Those designations are for the society to satiate their advertising needs.

A wife should understand how to stand by her man in times of crisis and in times of happiness. For, a man's ego can cripple or it can lose control and make him wild. It is only she who can anchor and control it.


As men grow very old... along with their wives....they depend on daughters to take care of them. So again, there is transfer of responsibility from the wife to her more energetic daughter.

If there is one person who keeps us going then it is the women in our lives. A woman who has had a successful marriage is one who has known a thing or two about this secret of managing and protecting the male ego.

At the end of the day, irrespective of what roles we play in our professional lives or in the society, we all come home to find peace with our better halves. We come home to look into each others eyes and without a moment of discomfort or displeasure or scars, make passionate love.... we come home to keep up our promises of being together through thick and thin and finding solace in each others arms....we come home to feel appreciated and respected.

If a man and woman cannot bring peace into each other's lives, then their togetherness is of little value !

Some day all these illusions will break and we will be left stranded on the island of loneliness. We will stand by its shores and gaze at the infinite. For an eternity...

In doing so, we will again start to hope. For, at the edge of finite, the earth and the sky make us believe of their togetherness. And we oblige because, in the twilight of white nights, we saw them fulfill each others desires.

Did not the showers from the sky kiss the barren land and quench its thirst ?  Did not the earth give birth to beautiful birds which filled the empties of the sky ? The bird could never do without the guidance of the wind....and in turn, the wind never traveled in solitude...for deep in its heart, it always carried the melodious song of the bird.

This way she completed the sky and in turn he understood the earth's longing. 

And we, out of our deep desire to witness their marriage at edge of finite, sail on and on.. against the tides and into the infinite....only to realize, their togetherness is but an illusion. We return to the shores dejected and disheartened.

Little did we realize that they love each other... but never make a bond of it. Guru Gibran did.

Everybody manages love some how or the other.... but not respect. It is really tough to earn respect.  Love may fade away one day in any relationship if it does not build itself on the foundation called respect. It will be left there... all alone... like a candle in wind mustering all the courage to survive. It will battle always.

Respect is permanent, ofcourse, unless someone isn't suicidal enough to kill it.  Respect also yields love.

My base for all my love for Ms.Vedala is because of the tremendous respect I have for her.  She reminds me of my mom....those very same strong principles and ethics. She tries endlessly to iron out any differences in her relationships even if it means to take it on herself.... She tries till the very end and doesn't stop there... she will give it another shot.

Speak about commitment !

No, not here...we will gossip about it in another post ;)

Meandering around an issue of concern and talking oneself cleverly out of it might give us a street smart image, but it never yields us peace of mind. Never ! If we make mistakes, we must admit ! It never helps to beat around the bush.

Last night I went to dinner at Grinders. As I parked my car, stepped out and looked at the restaurant, I saw girls from inside stopping what they were doing and looking at their new would-be customer. The way they enacted it was synonymous with an Animal Planet channel's documentary on Hunting. How all members of a squirrel family stop for once and nervously try spotting any hunters...that kinda look.

When I saw them do that, I retired in my mind. Hunger gave way to self doubt. The neon sign read "OPEN". I felt they wouldn't be too excited to have me in. I nervously started searching for something in my pocket and looked at my car to realize I forgot to turn off the head lights.

Then without much hope but in two minds, I walked in and asked one of the pretty girls, " Are you closed ?" ..."No, we are open..." she said and smiled.

 "I'll take that one", I said and occupied a table to the left of entrance.

 As I waited for my order, I realized a glitch in my attitude. I rewinded and replayed my line : "Are you closed?"

Now, "Closed" is negative in a sense ! I should have asked : " Are you open, still ?". There ! "Open" feels so positive !

With time by my side, I saved myself because they close at 9. ( Again !.. see ! because they are open till 9 )

It's a no brainer that had I stepped in two minutes before nine, I would have returned hungry. At that minute had I asked her : "Hey, are you guys open, still ?", it would have forced her to let me in to save their reputation and earn business.

 See how little things make a difference ?

I have never laughed so much in any woman's company ... ! I always wondered if any girl could outdo me in being silly, spontaneous, random, hilarious and above all cartoonish.....I wondered if anyone can match me step for step in my imagination, ideas, "pichi-ness"... and all that.


I have always wanted a girl who can bring about a positivity in me....someone who can appreciate me for who I am.... someone who will spoil me but if I lose control, someone who can also spank me with a cane. I wondered if anyone existed on this planet who can tame this wild, arrogant tornado called Me !...if anyone can stabilize my disturbed inner core.... if anyone can understand the silence and fathom the depths of this ocean called me..... if anyone can give direction to an aimless wind like me..... if anyone can start drizzling and bring life to this barren land deprived of love..... if anyone can predict the volcanoes in me which know not its own instincts.... if any girl could ever drench me in her love and put off all the fires of destruction....

I have always wondered if there was any girl who can just hold my face, look into my eyes and calm me down..... I always wondered if there was anyone who can cope up with all the turbulence within me and stabilize me.....

And finally, I found my answer...!

Shruti is just like that and much more !... I have never felt so confident in my life... in anyone's company. A zillion people have made me feel like a piece of crap, unwanted and what not !... Another million don't miss out on an opportunity to insult me...

I have never felt so wanted, loved and above all... so WORTHY in my life..... Shruti makes me laugh, she makes me smile when I am hopeless, she makes seemingly depressing, pensive moments look as if they are specs of dust which need to be.....dusted ! and not care !....

I have never felt so good in my life !....In the process, I am discovering my true self, my true likes and dislikes, the inner me.

I have become more passionate than ever ! And who knows ? In the coming days, months and years....even very outgoing.  I contradict many of my own Arien traits. But with her by my side.... I march like a fearless soldier. With her by my side.... I am realizing my true potential as a person..... and even as an Engineer.

If there is one girl to whom I can surrender everything, it is she. I am not sure what exactly people mean when they say... "Oh ! I've grown as a person...." I don't know it....nor do I want to be cliche !....

All I know is, 30 years down the line, even with my wrinkles on, I will look as young as I ever did and as active as I ever was ! And as passionate and excited and pumped up as I am now.....

I don't need artificial ways to look young and happy ! All I need is Shruti by my side..... and we will always be happy and laughing and live life to it's fullest !

No, its not all about me !!.... I will take care of her like a princess.

I will .... I promise ...!

Something for me...

I could search my whole life through and through and never find another you.
I love my life because it gave me you.
When you see a falling star at night,do make a wish,it will come true
because I wished and I found you.
If I had to choose whether to breath or love you,
I would use my last breath to tell you that I love you.
They say you only fall in love once but that cant be true,
Every time I look at you, i fall in love all over again.
I will love you untill forever.
Its magic each time i think about holding you,cuddling in your arms and
when ever i think about kissing you, it gives me goosebumps.
When you first talked to me i cud'n think,
when you asked me out,i cud'n respond,
becoming your friend was a choice
but falling in love with you was beyond my control.
I wish dreams were like wishes and wishes came true
because in my dreams am always with you...

Urs and only urs
Shruta :-* :-* :-*