All my childhood, and whenever you visited us, I felt helpless... for, I held your arm tightly, made a silent prayer to God to not let you go and slept with insecurity....only to wake up and learn from Amma that you were gone. I did not like it at all ! So while disappointment was fast brewing up, I delayed the impending turbulence and turmoil by searching for you all over for one last time before getting clouded. May be you were playing around.... may be you would pop out of no where and surprise me. I hoped. So I never believed when she said you were gone. I  looked for anything that could be a trace of you....


And when it dawned upon me that you left indeed, I felt cheated... because with all sincerity and utmost honesty, I prayed the night before. Didn't I ? So what happened to all those prayers then ? I wondered.

Whenever I woke up to not find you, I felt miserable. My voice choked.... tears welled up and it felt as if I gravitated towards earth from steep heights. How can I ever tell you ? How can I ever explain it to anyone  ? I won't even attempt to ! All that anger and frust never quite burst out. They simmered inside me for days together. After those fires within consumed me, I felt shallow like a piece of coal.

Everything in life was immaterial. Nothing mattered ! What did was your company.... to have fun with you.... to play silly pranks between us which Amma did not approve of. Our monkey gimmicks and all that.... your sense of humor and my endless laughter....we were a team. But on those mornings, I felt everything had come to a naught. It took days to let go all that insipidity.

Oh, that little pocket money, I saved it inside the almirah, checked it every now and then, smelled and kissed those new notes and put them back inside. I never even folded them because it was from you ! They were priceless. Sometimes I wondered if there was an option to pay God in exchange for you... forever !

Even the deepest of those hurtings never stop me from waiting for you....and dreaming of spending time with you. Unfortunately, those scars will forever be a part of me because they got etched in stone.

But that does not make you any less special or magical, dad !