Yesterday was a mixed day ! It started off with me promising Shruti that I will make breakfast but ended up calling Amma and long hour chat and Shruti took over. Not unhappily, but she had a back pain and I stole her momentary happiness. But either-ways, she made an excellent bread + avocado + boiled eggs toast that only she can make. Still sprinkled all her love onto it. Shru keeps saying she doesn't like to cook, something she told me before our wedding, beginning of our marriage and even to date. But when she does cook, one will feel all the world's best taste like she is professional chef ! Not exaggerating, but she is a superb cook, who has stunned me always in our 11 years of marriage !
The day proceeded, like a nice song... talking to parents, playing with Aaru, watching the last part of Attarintiki Daaredi and Shruti and I crying at the climax, when Pawan's character reveals his mom died that day in the flashback. I simply cannot take a mother sentiment scene ! Sometimes I feel I express my inner love to my parents more when watching such stuff than in real life. Either-ways, I love both my parents. To stars and even beyond !
The pain has been getting better, but am now afraid after last weekend's similar pattern, it will show up with even more vigour. I hope this time, it is really going down. Having cervical radiculopathy for last 4 weeks has been an eye opener for me.
For years, literally 2.5 decades I have abused my body, with junk food, improper sleep, couch potato-ness (especially in Salt Lake where all these along with sitting in sofa soon after coming home from work till late night and sleeping on it... sometimes 12 hours at a stretch), and not doing any workouts, wanting to do but not able to do due to lack of motivation etc., I mean.... all of this had to compound just like money !
But since Dec 12, 2025, I have been trying to reverse it all. And this radiculopathy was another reminder from the nature, in a different dimension, that its now or never ! So while I kept hearing and ready and seeing about strength training, it hit me heard, that lack of it could have contributed to this current nerve pinch crisis. Made me reflect on all my "papalu".
So late afternoon came by and I promised going out but went onto bed and slept for 30 mins in a different position taking Aaru's little jacket and tucking it under the neck. Whatever is Aaru, suddenly feels better ! And so the family thought we were not going out. And after some cajoling and manao-fying, THE LADY agreed ! So we went to Target.
Sometimes, when all the key signs are to not go, you should shut up and sit tight. But at Target we went there to hang out and Shruti had gone to the Pharmacist to ask a "cheaper something" and I was standing in the next lane in the CVS section and could hear it. When she came to me, I told her she shouldn't have said the word cheap as I doubted they will let us buy anything cheap.
That's it ! That one moment of my commentary ruined an otherwise beautiful day. The checkout and going around was silent. Add to it, I told Aaru she could have $5 to buy and if she didn't I'd give her an extra $10 for a total of $15 that I will then invest. The little one was caught in such a turmoil that she ended up getting frustrated and crying. I was in a turmoil trying to understand if I did the right thing or was it too much too early to teach money lessons ? Maybe I should have given her 10 and said if she spent less than 5, I'd give her an extra 10 ? The lesson is, if there is no pressure valve like an Indian rice cooker, the kid is going to get frustrated. And this was a lesson for me. So from next time, instead of suffocating her that tight, I will let her enjoy while also knowing the importance of investing.
So add this plus the MISSUS already pissed off, we all exploded in the car ! Aaru started crying, I lost my cool, and Shru saying not to divert my anger. And then I told Shruti she was over-reacting.
And suddenly she pulled one, that I couldn't take. Earlier in the morning I had told her how back in 2012 when I had gone to hyderabad, and spent some time with my dad in his BLP house, he and I went to buy veggies from street vendors near Sundarayya Park. And while buying potatoes I bargained 5 rupees / kg to 3 rupees per kg, as has been my habit since childhood since I would always bring veggies home.
My dad, didn't even look at me and smirked. A sarcastic one. As if to say, you are begging from the poor or robbing them of their livelihood by bargaining. It made me feel very cheap for a moment. He may have been right, but its that low cheap feeling when someone suggests that your cheap action was a result of your cheap thought, like you couldn't rise above the normal and think high. I then stopped bargaining and bought for rupees 5, even though hearing me say 3 made the adjacent vendor try to sell me for 3.
Anyhow ! So, Shruti reminded me and told me how I keep correcting her and proving that she is not correct. And though my intention was not that, it was exactly what she said ! I always have this habit of correcting. Why ? I don't know. Like I am a perfectionist. Like, life is not life if 0.0001" out of spec is observed. I didn't like that I made her feel like that. What followed was me and her getting into a verbal in the car and me yelling F word which I haven ever done in front of the kid. Just one low to another.
Its one thing for me to be me, but anther thing to fall in the eyes of Shruti. Like I remember the day of wedding when she came in the car with me. That straight look lost into infinity. I can never forget till my last breath ! A lot of questions of whether she will be preserved, her respect taken seriously, what marriage will hold for etc. I guess a zillion more doubts.
And me with my impulsive behaviour, I am sure I ticked off the bad partner check list. And this disturbs me more than anything when I let her down. She was right, I should not be correcting her, yelling at the kid. And the ruining the evening. But more so eroding at something more sacred... THE RESPECT in a marriage. And I am more afraid on whom Aaru will end up finding as a life partner. I wasn't a role model dad. We can home and my frustration continued especially since I almost got us to Indian store when madam said she had head ache and I zoomed past it and then took a U-turn drive around the YMCA and came back to the store after cooling off a bit only to be told she and the kid were not going to the store due to head ache and sleepiness respectively.
And after 2 round around, I got us home. I continued to be irritated with Aaru because she kept making sound loud enough to rattle me, when she was picking her toys. And when Shruti was telling me not to, I asked both what is so complicated about taking a simple order. Like I am some king. And later Shruti thought (due to my jerky action when reaching out to Aaru while she kept crying), I was going to hit Aaru. May be I was, but seeing her reaction, it made me sick because I felt I am an abusive person.
Later, things settled, and I kissed Shruti and Aaru and said sorry and the weather changed again. But behind the scene, something deep kept running. As a Director now, was I am apt person to lead people ? I don't know how many people felt low, cheap, disrespected and stupid around me. I have been trying to make some rapid changes at work and few on my team are already unhappy about it and I can sense it. So, am I an apt leader ? Do I deserve the right to impact a bunch of people ? Let alone in a negative way ?
A man who cannot control his anger, frustration, is perfectionist, wants everything like how he envisioned without giving freedom to people around him, without the ideals that he stands for, is not a leadership material. I don't deserve the RIGHT to lead may be. I may command fear, but not respect. I may get things done but may kill passion and liking for one's job.
And I know within my heart, I am definitely not a Dictator. I am gentle, and soft and caring and it DOES matter to me what people feel, think, do and react and their inner emotions. This exact impulsiveness is what killed many of my friendships I guess.
I hope Aaru doesn't become like me and that from now I can be a role model dad who shows control over impulsiveness, is at peace and loving. Whatever happened to that Approach-ability Quotient I spoke about a decade ago ! I need to work on it and I need to RESPECT the opposite person.
I WILL. I WILL. I WILL. I AM BETTER THAN THIS !
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